graveyard confessions

no matter how many times i try to write this piece
it never says what i want
it never says "i'm okay"
it never portrays my everyday struggle without you
the struggle to suppress the tears and make life without you
the struggle to find my way on my own
the struggle to live everyday the way you tried to teach me
the struggle to not cop out like you did
the struggle to not hate all 3 of you
the struggle to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable again
those pieces never said "baby, i'm sorry i left. but i'm back now and i'll never leave you ever again."
they never let me scream that i hate you
i hate you for being so selfish
and for leaving me like this
and for leaving us like this
leaving me alone without you
abandoning me
the me that cut
the me that popped pills
the me that still does when things get a little too hard
you showed me an out
the pieces before never let me say that
a compulsive need to fix things and people
a compulsive need to control
a lack of emotion
------of connection
severe depression
suicidal thoughts and actions
severe emotional displacement
my shrink told me this stuff about myself and no other piece ever let me say it to me or to you
and this one has to be simple
no metaphors
no illusions
no alliteration
nothing to hide what i have to say
nothing to hide myself and who exists inside
and nothing to disguise what i have to get off of my heart
this hurts
you died and we all fell apart
you died and now there is no family to love
you died and i had no one left
you died and i dont know what to do
i sat at a window
looking into a room as you died
as you suffered in those last stubborn moments
it was the first time i saw my mother cry
i wanted to make you better
and i couldnt
and i let you down
and im sorry
i should've been around
and im sorry we all weren't enough
im sorry i never let you know just how much i needed you
im sorry
because if i had called or written
maybe you wouldnt have turned the machine off
maybe they never shouldve told me that
because i looked up to you
i wanted to be strong like you
but now i cant do it and i realize im probably just like you
and i looked down at you
and i hoped you would open your eyes
just like you did when id sit at the edge of your bed staring till you woke up
just like you did on thanksgiving eve
i wanted to smell the turkey again and the ham
i miss our Easter sombreros
i just wanted your eyes to open and everything be okay again
i wanted to be six again
when it was better again
just like when i kicked you awake in the middle of the night because i never slept like an angel
i prayed that God could hear me
i prayed that He cared that a little girl lost her whole entire world
that this little girl lost everything important to her
but He didnt
He didnt give a shit
i saw you and grandpa today
i saw my summer home
i saw me and the Rev hunting Easter eggs in our sunday best and our biggest sombreros
i smelled the pigs
and i heard you yelling
i saw the best
i talked to you today
i needed you today
and you werent there
and i just still cant grasp that