graveyard confessions revised

no matter how many times i try to write this piece
Nothing ever says what i want
Nothing ever says "i'm okay"
Nothing ever portrays my everyday struggle without you
my constant agonizing struggle
to always suppress the tears because i have to be strong for the family
to make life without you
to keep myself busy because if im not i have too much time to think
------too much time to remember that i dont have you anymore
my struggle to find my way on my own
to live everyday the way you tried to teach me
to not cop out like you did
to not be a selfish bitch
to not hate all 3 of you
my struggle to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable again
those pieces never wrapped their arms around me and said "baby, i'm sorry i left. but i'm back now and i'll never leave you ever again."
those pieces never made cookies or muffins or stayed up late when i was sick
no piece ever let me scream that i hate you
i hate you for being so selfish
and for leaving me like this
and for leaving us like this
leaving me alone without you
abandoning me
the me that cut
and popped pills
the me that still does when things get a little too hard
you showed me an out
the pieces before never let me say that
a compulsive need to fix things and people
a compulsive need to control
a lack of emotion
------of connection
severe depression
suicidal thoughts and actions
severe emotional displacement
my shrink told me this stuff about myself and no other piece ever let me say it to me or to you
nothing ever let me admit it
this piece has to be simple
no metaphors
no illusions
no alliteration
nothing to hide what i have to say
nothing to hide myself and who exists inside
nothing to disguise what i have to get off of my heart
this shit hurts
it hurts like nothing ever
a debilitating crippling pain
pain that seems to exist outside of me
pain i have no control over

you died and we all fell apart
now there is no family to love
i have no one left
and i dont know what to do

i sat at a window
looking into a room as you faded
as you suffered in those last stubborn moments
it was the first time i saw ever my mother cry
it was my first lesson in supressing my emotions for the betterment of the family
i wanted to make you better because the doctors couldnt
it was the first i ever stopped trusting
i couldnt make you better
i couldnt fix anything
i couldnt even hold your hand
i let you down
and im sorry
i should've been around

im sorry the family and your kids and your grandchildren werent enough
im sorry i never let you know just how much i needed you
im sorry
because if i had called or written
maybe you wouldnt have turned the machine off
maybe
auntie never shouldve told me that
because i looked up to you
i wanted to be strong like you
but now i cant do it and i realize im probably just like you
and i looked down at you
for the first time in my entire life
and i hoped you would open your eyes
just like you did when id sit at the edge of your bed staring till you woke up
just like you did on thanksgiving eve
i wanted to smell the turkey again and the ham
i miss our Easter sombreros
i just wanted your eyes to open and everything be okay again
i wanted to be six again
when it was better
when we were a real family that loved and cared and never hid anything from eachother
but now we hide the pain
agony
suffering
all i wanted was for your eyes to slowly open and look at me
just like when i kicked you awake in the middle of the night because i never slept like an angel

you taught me that God never gave us more than we could bear
you taught me to pray
to trust that God was a good God
Forgiving
Compassionate
Loving
if God were really all of those things
----then why did each of you die an agonizing death
if God were really everything you told me He was
----then why am i constantly laboring to find a way to make it
laboring every second to handle this load that HE gave me
grinding to keep my head above water with the world on my shoulders
making sure the babies arent crying
comforting my mother and father
yet
i prayed
i prayed that the God you loved and taught me to love could hear me
would answer me
i prayed that He cared that a little girl lost her whole entire world
that this little girl lost everything important to her
but He didnt
He didnt give a shit

i saw you and grandpa today
i saw my summer home
i saw me and the Rev hunting Easter eggs in our sunday best and our biggest sombreros
i smelled the pigs
i heard you yelling at me as i rode my bike into the woods
i saw the best times i ever had
i talked to you today
i needed you today
you werent there
and i just
still cant grasp that