call her mother
mommy
ma
mom
nothing
i refuse
refuse to be nothing
cant let go of the love i have yet to know
being a mother is something
better than nothing
not by much
giving birth
holding on for 9 months
your mommy
kissed booboos
held hands
made your lunch for school
mommy never let you fall
mom went to every recital and play
never missed a game
changed sheets and diapers
never closed the door
i want to be your mommy
i want to be you mom
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
So my weekend
I guess to say the least it was...eventful.
About Friday sorry that I dipped out a couple times. Sorry if you were worried and wondering where I went. ummm...Sometimes I do that. Sometimes its this unshakable feeling of needing to run. Really far away. By myself. And alot of times I do it without telling anyone. I guess I'm still used to doing for myself and by myself, not really having to answer to anyone. So, I'm sorry for that stuff.
I feel like I have so much to get off of my chest but I feel like it might offend someone and I dont want to do that but I may have to.
I'm not dumb. I'm not stupid. I'm not blind or deaf. I'm not oblivious and I don't live in a fantasy world where everything is sugar and rainbows. But you are dumb if you think I don't see or hear the shit you do and say. And frankly it's getting to be tiresome. i have been nothing but nice to you people and all I get in return is dirty looks, snide comments (that, by the way, only an idiot would think discreet and above detection). And it's making me mad. I really dont get it. Why hate me? because someone told you to? because someone makes up shit to help themselves feel better so you blindly believe and follow their teachings because you have no religion? or is it because you have no courage to stand up and say that something is wrong? I, personally, think that it is all of the above. You people should focus on your own hardships or are you all lying in your brilliant master pieces about how you are going through this hardship and that hardship and therefore are living such perfect lives that you have time to focus on me and try and belittle me and break my spirit. Well I'll never be broken try as hard as you want. But I'm still going to have a smile on my face and I'm still going to be a good person, daughter, friend, etc. Nothing I've been through thus far has broken me. And contry to poular belief I have been through shit but it has NEVER broken me. Maybe detained me a little or maybe even hurt but I was never broken and I sure as hell would never let people like you break me.
a convo with a guy i'm starting to trust. slowly but surely. it takes while when certain people are involved.
About Friday sorry that I dipped out a couple times. Sorry if you were worried and wondering where I went. ummm...Sometimes I do that. Sometimes its this unshakable feeling of needing to run. Really far away. By myself. And alot of times I do it without telling anyone. I guess I'm still used to doing for myself and by myself, not really having to answer to anyone. So, I'm sorry for that stuff.
I feel like I have so much to get off of my chest but I feel like it might offend someone and I dont want to do that but I may have to.
I'm not dumb. I'm not stupid. I'm not blind or deaf. I'm not oblivious and I don't live in a fantasy world where everything is sugar and rainbows. But you are dumb if you think I don't see or hear the shit you do and say. And frankly it's getting to be tiresome. i have been nothing but nice to you people and all I get in return is dirty looks, snide comments (that, by the way, only an idiot would think discreet and above detection). And it's making me mad. I really dont get it. Why hate me? because someone told you to? because someone makes up shit to help themselves feel better so you blindly believe and follow their teachings because you have no religion? or is it because you have no courage to stand up and say that something is wrong? I, personally, think that it is all of the above. You people should focus on your own hardships or are you all lying in your brilliant master pieces about how you are going through this hardship and that hardship and therefore are living such perfect lives that you have time to focus on me and try and belittle me and break my spirit. Well I'll never be broken try as hard as you want. But I'm still going to have a smile on my face and I'm still going to be a good person, daughter, friend, etc. Nothing I've been through thus far has broken me. And contry to poular belief I have been through shit but it has NEVER broken me. Maybe detained me a little or maybe even hurt but I was never broken and I sure as hell would never let people like you break me.
a convo with a guy i'm starting to trust. slowly but surely. it takes while when certain people are involved.
Michaela
i feel like i offended and hurt someone and that i was kinda selfish and that what i did was really unprofessional and it was inconsierate and kinda rude but sometimes you have to be selfish
*inconsiderate
and all of that other stuff
3:23amGerardo
sometimes , but why do u feel like that , what happen ?
3:24amGerardo
some people say they wanna be selfish but really , they go about it in a negative way .. is ok to be selfish for ur happiness but not if u mean to hurt some1
3:25amMichaela
i very rarely intend to hurt people its just not in my nature
3:27amGerardo
im sure , but some people selfconsciencely do it
3:30amMichaela
and im not dumb. i KNOW when people are doing things that are designed to hurt me and make me feel bad but theres only so much a person can take. like i ignore it and act like none of it bothers me but i see and hear way more than people think i do and im not paranoid or stupid. im human like everyone else and shit gets to me too but itry and just brush it all off and move on but there are only so many places a girl can move to.
3:31amGerardo
thats true , i as we get older that hole " sticks and stones " crap is meaningless , cuz words do hurt
3:32amMichaela
its words and actions and i know that if people were doing half of the shit to them that they do to me they would break and theyd wanna fight someone and would be royally pissed off
3:33amGerardo
so what are they doing to you ?
3:33amMichaela
its the actions and words and just generally being mistreated for no reason
and its really one person who has seemed to influenced an entire groups perception of me and thats messed up because i never did anything to anyone
and people arre like oh shes dumb and has no talent and is a whore and a bitch
3:35amMichaela
i am so nice even to people who have been not so nice to me because i really believe that they way you treat people dictates how youll be treated in the world
so im nice and polite and playful and im always here if ANYONE needs me ive done nothing to anyone and its like i have the fucking plague
3:38amGerardo
well the way i see it kid , u are focusing on the people who this like you, rather then the people who do, focus on real friends , and people who are good to you , when something happens to you , wether u get sick , get hurt, die or celebrate another bday , is going to be your people there not the ones that talk shit .. they wont matter , u dont have to ignore , just think positive
3:39amMichaela
and its like no matter what no one has the balls to say anything even though some people say to my face the way im treated is fucked up and its almost like i cant even trust those people that are really close its like sometimes i really fell like i have no one
SATURDAY:
I love my tiffy poo for saturday night. i seriously needed it. a distraction. a drink. a hug. a little love. and some new inside jokes. fun times with friends.
SUNDAY:
sleep and cleanup duty. but it was relaxing and kinda fun. sick huh? lol
so to recap my weekend was eventful. im choosing to leave it behind with a renewed sense of self and strength. fuck you if you have problem with it.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
graveyard confessions revised
no matter how many times i try to write this piece
Nothing ever says what i want
Nothing ever says "i'm okay"
Nothing ever portrays my everyday struggle without you
my constant agonizing struggle
to always suppress the tears because i have to be strong for the family
to make life without you
to keep myself busy because if im not i have too much time to think
------too much time to remember that i dont have you anymore
my struggle to find my way on my own
to live everyday the way you tried to teach me
to not cop out like you did
to not be a selfish bitch
to not hate all 3 of you
my struggle to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable again
those pieces never wrapped their arms around me and said "baby, i'm sorry i left. but i'm back now and i'll never leave you ever again."
those pieces never made cookies or muffins or stayed up late when i was sick
no piece ever let me scream that i hate you
i hate you for being so selfish
and for leaving me like this
and for leaving us like this
leaving me alone without you
abandoning me
the me that cut
and popped pills
the me that still does when things get a little too hard
you showed me an out
the pieces before never let me say that
a compulsive need to fix things and people
a compulsive need to control
a lack of emotion
------of connection
severe depression
suicidal thoughts and actions
severe emotional displacement
my shrink told me this stuff about myself and no other piece ever let me say it to me or to you
nothing ever let me admit it
this piece has to be simple
no metaphors
no illusions
no alliteration
nothing to hide what i have to say
nothing to hide myself and who exists inside
nothing to disguise what i have to get off of my heart
this shit hurts
it hurts like nothing ever
a debilitating crippling pain
pain that seems to exist outside of me
pain i have no control over
you died and we all fell apart
now there is no family to love
i have no one left
and i dont know what to do
i sat at a window
looking into a room as you faded
as you suffered in those last stubborn moments
it was the first time i saw ever my mother cry
it was my first lesson in supressing my emotions for the betterment of the family
i wanted to make you better because the doctors couldnt
it was the first i ever stopped trusting
i couldnt make you better
i couldnt fix anything
i couldnt even hold your hand
i let you down
and im sorry
i should've been around
im sorry the family and your kids and your grandchildren werent enough
im sorry i never let you know just how much i needed you
im sorry
because if i had called or written
maybe you wouldnt have turned the machine off
maybe
auntie never shouldve told me that
because i looked up to you
i wanted to be strong like you
but now i cant do it and i realize im probably just like you
and i looked down at you
for the first time in my entire life
and i hoped you would open your eyes
just like you did when id sit at the edge of your bed staring till you woke up
just like you did on thanksgiving eve
i wanted to smell the turkey again and the ham
i miss our Easter sombreros
i just wanted your eyes to open and everything be okay again
i wanted to be six again
when it was better
when we were a real family that loved and cared and never hid anything from eachother
but now we hide the pain
agony
suffering
all i wanted was for your eyes to slowly open and look at me
just like when i kicked you awake in the middle of the night because i never slept like an angel
you taught me that God never gave us more than we could bear
you taught me to pray
to trust that God was a good God
Forgiving
Compassionate
Loving
if God were really all of those things
----then why did each of you die an agonizing death
if God were really everything you told me He was
----then why am i constantly laboring to find a way to make it
laboring every second to handle this load that HE gave me
grinding to keep my head above water with the world on my shoulders
making sure the babies arent crying
comforting my mother and father
yet
i prayed
i prayed that the God you loved and taught me to love could hear me
would answer me
i prayed that He cared that a little girl lost her whole entire world
that this little girl lost everything important to her
but He didnt
He didnt give a shit
i saw you and grandpa today
i saw my summer home
i saw me and the Rev hunting Easter eggs in our sunday best and our biggest sombreros
i smelled the pigs
i heard you yelling at me as i rode my bike into the woods
i saw the best times i ever had
i talked to you today
i needed you today
you werent there
and i just
still cant grasp that
Nothing ever says what i want
Nothing ever says "i'm okay"
Nothing ever portrays my everyday struggle without you
my constant agonizing struggle
to always suppress the tears because i have to be strong for the family
to make life without you
to keep myself busy because if im not i have too much time to think
------too much time to remember that i dont have you anymore
my struggle to find my way on my own
to live everyday the way you tried to teach me
to not cop out like you did
to not be a selfish bitch
to not hate all 3 of you
my struggle to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable again
those pieces never wrapped their arms around me and said "baby, i'm sorry i left. but i'm back now and i'll never leave you ever again."
those pieces never made cookies or muffins or stayed up late when i was sick
no piece ever let me scream that i hate you
i hate you for being so selfish
and for leaving me like this
and for leaving us like this
leaving me alone without you
abandoning me
the me that cut
and popped pills
the me that still does when things get a little too hard
you showed me an out
the pieces before never let me say that
a compulsive need to fix things and people
a compulsive need to control
a lack of emotion
------of connection
severe depression
suicidal thoughts and actions
severe emotional displacement
my shrink told me this stuff about myself and no other piece ever let me say it to me or to you
nothing ever let me admit it
this piece has to be simple
no metaphors
no illusions
no alliteration
nothing to hide what i have to say
nothing to hide myself and who exists inside
nothing to disguise what i have to get off of my heart
this shit hurts
it hurts like nothing ever
a debilitating crippling pain
pain that seems to exist outside of me
pain i have no control over
you died and we all fell apart
now there is no family to love
i have no one left
and i dont know what to do
i sat at a window
looking into a room as you faded
as you suffered in those last stubborn moments
it was the first time i saw ever my mother cry
it was my first lesson in supressing my emotions for the betterment of the family
i wanted to make you better because the doctors couldnt
it was the first i ever stopped trusting
i couldnt make you better
i couldnt fix anything
i couldnt even hold your hand
i let you down
and im sorry
i should've been around
im sorry the family and your kids and your grandchildren werent enough
im sorry i never let you know just how much i needed you
im sorry
because if i had called or written
maybe you wouldnt have turned the machine off
maybe
auntie never shouldve told me that
because i looked up to you
i wanted to be strong like you
but now i cant do it and i realize im probably just like you
and i looked down at you
for the first time in my entire life
and i hoped you would open your eyes
just like you did when id sit at the edge of your bed staring till you woke up
just like you did on thanksgiving eve
i wanted to smell the turkey again and the ham
i miss our Easter sombreros
i just wanted your eyes to open and everything be okay again
i wanted to be six again
when it was better
when we were a real family that loved and cared and never hid anything from eachother
but now we hide the pain
agony
suffering
all i wanted was for your eyes to slowly open and look at me
just like when i kicked you awake in the middle of the night because i never slept like an angel
you taught me that God never gave us more than we could bear
you taught me to pray
to trust that God was a good God
Forgiving
Compassionate
Loving
if God were really all of those things
----then why did each of you die an agonizing death
if God were really everything you told me He was
----then why am i constantly laboring to find a way to make it
laboring every second to handle this load that HE gave me
grinding to keep my head above water with the world on my shoulders
making sure the babies arent crying
comforting my mother and father
yet
i prayed
i prayed that the God you loved and taught me to love could hear me
would answer me
i prayed that He cared that a little girl lost her whole entire world
that this little girl lost everything important to her
but He didnt
He didnt give a shit
i saw you and grandpa today
i saw my summer home
i saw me and the Rev hunting Easter eggs in our sunday best and our biggest sombreros
i smelled the pigs
i heard you yelling at me as i rode my bike into the woods
i saw the best times i ever had
i talked to you today
i needed you today
you werent there
and i just
still cant grasp that
Thursday, January 8, 2009
graveyard confessions
no matter how many times i try to write this piece
it never says what i want
it never says "i'm okay"
it never portrays my everyday struggle without you
the struggle to suppress the tears and make life without you
the struggle to find my way on my own
the struggle to live everyday the way you tried to teach me
the struggle to not cop out like you did
the struggle to not hate all 3 of you
the struggle to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable again
those pieces never said "baby, i'm sorry i left. but i'm back now and i'll never leave you ever again."
they never let me scream that i hate you
i hate you for being so selfish
and for leaving me like this
and for leaving us like this
leaving me alone without you
abandoning me
the me that cut
the me that popped pills
the me that still does when things get a little too hard
you showed me an out
the pieces before never let me say that
a compulsive need to fix things and people
a compulsive need to control
a lack of emotion
------of connection
severe depression
suicidal thoughts and actions
severe emotional displacement
my shrink told me this stuff about myself and no other piece ever let me say it to me or to you
and this one has to be simple
no metaphors
no illusions
no alliteration
nothing to hide what i have to say
nothing to hide myself and who exists inside
and nothing to disguise what i have to get off of my heart
this hurts
you died and we all fell apart
you died and now there is no family to love
you died and i had no one left
you died and i dont know what to do
i sat at a window
looking into a room as you died
as you suffered in those last stubborn moments
it was the first time i saw my mother cry
i wanted to make you better
and i couldnt
and i let you down
and im sorry
i should've been around
and im sorry we all weren't enough
im sorry i never let you know just how much i needed you
im sorry
because if i had called or written
maybe you wouldnt have turned the machine off
maybe they never shouldve told me that
because i looked up to you
i wanted to be strong like you
but now i cant do it and i realize im probably just like you
and i looked down at you
and i hoped you would open your eyes
just like you did when id sit at the edge of your bed staring till you woke up
just like you did on thanksgiving eve
i wanted to smell the turkey again and the ham
i miss our Easter sombreros
i just wanted your eyes to open and everything be okay again
i wanted to be six again
when it was better again
just like when i kicked you awake in the middle of the night because i never slept like an angel
i prayed that God could hear me
i prayed that He cared that a little girl lost her whole entire world
that this little girl lost everything important to her
but He didnt
He didnt give a shit
i saw you and grandpa today
i saw my summer home
i saw me and the Rev hunting Easter eggs in our sunday best and our biggest sombreros
i smelled the pigs
and i heard you yelling
i saw the best
i talked to you today
i needed you today
and you werent there
and i just still cant grasp that
it never says what i want
it never says "i'm okay"
it never portrays my everyday struggle without you
the struggle to suppress the tears and make life without you
the struggle to find my way on my own
the struggle to live everyday the way you tried to teach me
the struggle to not cop out like you did
the struggle to not hate all 3 of you
the struggle to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable again
those pieces never said "baby, i'm sorry i left. but i'm back now and i'll never leave you ever again."
they never let me scream that i hate you
i hate you for being so selfish
and for leaving me like this
and for leaving us like this
leaving me alone without you
abandoning me
the me that cut
the me that popped pills
the me that still does when things get a little too hard
you showed me an out
the pieces before never let me say that
a compulsive need to fix things and people
a compulsive need to control
a lack of emotion
------of connection
severe depression
suicidal thoughts and actions
severe emotional displacement
my shrink told me this stuff about myself and no other piece ever let me say it to me or to you
and this one has to be simple
no metaphors
no illusions
no alliteration
nothing to hide what i have to say
nothing to hide myself and who exists inside
and nothing to disguise what i have to get off of my heart
this hurts
you died and we all fell apart
you died and now there is no family to love
you died and i had no one left
you died and i dont know what to do
i sat at a window
looking into a room as you died
as you suffered in those last stubborn moments
it was the first time i saw my mother cry
i wanted to make you better
and i couldnt
and i let you down
and im sorry
i should've been around
and im sorry we all weren't enough
im sorry i never let you know just how much i needed you
im sorry
because if i had called or written
maybe you wouldnt have turned the machine off
maybe they never shouldve told me that
because i looked up to you
i wanted to be strong like you
but now i cant do it and i realize im probably just like you
and i looked down at you
and i hoped you would open your eyes
just like you did when id sit at the edge of your bed staring till you woke up
just like you did on thanksgiving eve
i wanted to smell the turkey again and the ham
i miss our Easter sombreros
i just wanted your eyes to open and everything be okay again
i wanted to be six again
when it was better again
just like when i kicked you awake in the middle of the night because i never slept like an angel
i prayed that God could hear me
i prayed that He cared that a little girl lost her whole entire world
that this little girl lost everything important to her
but He didnt
He didnt give a shit
i saw you and grandpa today
i saw my summer home
i saw me and the Rev hunting Easter eggs in our sunday best and our biggest sombreros
i smelled the pigs
and i heard you yelling
i saw the best
i talked to you today
i needed you today
and you werent there
and i just still cant grasp that
untitled 1
i thought i was well adjusted
but empty homes
and filled holes
bring tears to my eyes
dodging fallen branches
after 6 new phones
i still call on my off days
the door hanger still new
but the lawn unmowed
no visitors anymore
just ghosts of children on bikes
and gravel rocks displaced
to support flowers you'll never see
goodbyes spoken to granite and dirt
and these words will never be enough
nor the tears on solid graves
my spiritual home rests with you
cradling arms that abandoned me
you never let me fall alone
you never really let me fall
and as i write this all i see
are pieces of unopened mail
showing grocery lists designed for cakes and cookies for sunday service
you left me
and created this void
you completed the void i struggle to fill your shoes with something even halfway adequate
but no one else remembers cookie dough saturday
no one else taught me to love me
no one else held me when i cried after facing a handpicked switch
GSN
TBN
you taught me God
and the 3 of you destroyed Him to me
to be so NEW
these BERRYs seem to be rotting in my heart
alongside
me
but empty homes
and filled holes
bring tears to my eyes
dodging fallen branches
after 6 new phones
i still call on my off days
the door hanger still new
but the lawn unmowed
no visitors anymore
just ghosts of children on bikes
and gravel rocks displaced
to support flowers you'll never see
goodbyes spoken to granite and dirt
and these words will never be enough
nor the tears on solid graves
my spiritual home rests with you
cradling arms that abandoned me
you never let me fall alone
you never really let me fall
and as i write this all i see
are pieces of unopened mail
showing grocery lists designed for cakes and cookies for sunday service
you left me
and created this void
you completed the void i struggle to fill your shoes with something even halfway adequate
but no one else remembers cookie dough saturday
no one else taught me to love me
no one else held me when i cried after facing a handpicked switch
GSN
TBN
you taught me God
and the 3 of you destroyed Him to me
to be so NEW
these BERRYs seem to be rotting in my heart
alongside
me
Rage
what do i have to prove to you?
what is it that makes us so different?
is it that i'm open and honest?
is it that i love with no restrictions?
or is it the money
and the opportunity
and the privilege
is it because i embody everything that you wish you could be
occasionally i wonder
--why me
why do you persist in disliking me?
is it because that despite all that i've been given i still work for mine
this silver spoon
-->i may have been born with
but i added the diamonds myself
and in 19years the silver I turned to platinum
i worked for mine
i gave my life to my cause
and its because of that
-->that i stand
ive never laid down in a bed made for me
i made my own
from wood given to me
and some that i found
and most that i created
i dont believe that you are somehow superior
and it pisses you off
it makes you madder than the language you managed to mutilate with the obscene and ignorant --metaphors your weak and feeble mind is impressed that it can manage to conjure from the --pages of Dr.Seuss
the pages that you still struggle with
the pages that shape the semi-lucid adult that exists right here
not the imagined pages of Dickens
the pages that chronicle your struggle with the pages of Tolstoy
because within the two cities you live the balance is constantly influx
because the war you wage within yourself is validated by the concocted peace you make with --others like you
because you need to feel like you belong
so you devise semi-profound metaphors
and yell "that's that deep shit'
-->because it is
but puddles are deep
and small towns large
untill you know the depth of the world outside your small little mind
but with windows closed
your soul is unexposed
and your puddles never turn to ponds
--and your ponds are never lakes
you small cities were never built on grid systems
thats okay--not all success is conventional
but no one succeeded by allowing their bed to be made for them
and unlike you
i refuse to allow those that allow themselves to remain hotel maids make my beds
and shape my mirrors
so have i covered it all
your missing intelligence
and subsequent misuse of a language you strive to prove adequacy in
or did i miss your utter lack of ambition to change your unsavory existence into one you can run --to mommy with to prove that you weren't a waste of the sperm she usually swallowed during --one night stands that spotted your life like a bitch on the pill
and i try not to curse but this had to be an exception
you make jokes about me
using my possessions and carefree actions as ammo
but yet again what do i have to prove to you
nothing
and please say i talk shit...
because no matter what i say it is all truth
and the most i'll do is defend myself
and lose respect for you as a person
but i'll still love you
and never do you to you what you do to me
i guess i needed to vent a little
-Mikki
what is it that makes us so different?
is it that i'm open and honest?
is it that i love with no restrictions?
or is it the money
and the opportunity
and the privilege
is it because i embody everything that you wish you could be
occasionally i wonder
--why me
why do you persist in disliking me?
is it because that despite all that i've been given i still work for mine
this silver spoon
-->i may have been born with
but i added the diamonds myself
and in 19years the silver I turned to platinum
i worked for mine
i gave my life to my cause
and its because of that
-->that i stand
ive never laid down in a bed made for me
i made my own
from wood given to me
and some that i found
and most that i created
i dont believe that you are somehow superior
and it pisses you off
it makes you madder than the language you managed to mutilate with the obscene and ignorant --metaphors your weak and feeble mind is impressed that it can manage to conjure from the --pages of Dr.Seuss
the pages that you still struggle with
the pages that shape the semi-lucid adult that exists right here
not the imagined pages of Dickens
the pages that chronicle your struggle with the pages of Tolstoy
because within the two cities you live the balance is constantly influx
because the war you wage within yourself is validated by the concocted peace you make with --others like you
because you need to feel like you belong
so you devise semi-profound metaphors
and yell "that's that deep shit'
-->because it is
but puddles are deep
and small towns large
untill you know the depth of the world outside your small little mind
but with windows closed
your soul is unexposed
and your puddles never turn to ponds
--and your ponds are never lakes
you small cities were never built on grid systems
thats okay--not all success is conventional
but no one succeeded by allowing their bed to be made for them
and unlike you
i refuse to allow those that allow themselves to remain hotel maids make my beds
and shape my mirrors
so have i covered it all
your missing intelligence
and subsequent misuse of a language you strive to prove adequacy in
or did i miss your utter lack of ambition to change your unsavory existence into one you can run --to mommy with to prove that you weren't a waste of the sperm she usually swallowed during --one night stands that spotted your life like a bitch on the pill
and i try not to curse but this had to be an exception
you make jokes about me
using my possessions and carefree actions as ammo
but yet again what do i have to prove to you
nothing
and please say i talk shit...
because no matter what i say it is all truth
and the most i'll do is defend myself
and lose respect for you as a person
but i'll still love you
and never do you to you what you do to me
i guess i needed to vent a little
-Mikki
Don't Touch
dont touch
-->dont touch
dont feel
dont taste
dont smell
dont love
dont touch
-->breathe
its not the world i love
just the one i have
its not the world i live
just what i was given
and its cold
and its frightening
-->if you cant touch
you cant breathe
that last breath escapes my mind
that last drop of blood leaves my soul
i fall
i dropped
-->you died
-->dont touch
dont feel
dont taste
dont smell
dont love
dont touch
-->breathe
its not the world i love
just the one i have
its not the world i live
just what i was given
and its cold
and its frightening
-->if you cant touch
you cant breathe
that last breath escapes my mind
that last drop of blood leaves my soul
i fall
i dropped
-->you died
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
So...here it is.
Umm. yea.
I'm not sure how to start this...letter. It's supposed to be a heartfelt letter to the people who have helped me grow in the last few years. The friends, the friends who stayed friends, the friends who became enemies, the enemies who became friends, and the other people who made these last few years crucial to me. Umm...so I guess this is where I start.
To my Loves:
I'd like to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for the emotional ups and downs. Thank you for the betrayals. Thank you for being there. thank you for the lessons you have taught me when I didn't really want to learn them.
In the last I'd say 3 years, I've managed to find the best friends of my life. And i don't know if calling them "friends" does them justice. Most of the time I consider them family. But my heart, my heart considers them my guardian angels. So, this is really hard for me to write, mainly because it involves expressing real emotions other than anger. And, I'd like to say thanks to those who stick through with me when the only emotion I can show is anger, displaced anger, but anger none-the-less. But I guess I can't avoid the emotion anymore. lol...haha
To Francesca, Jackie, Jordan, Jules, Kai, Sarah, Sean, Tiffany, and Whitney:
You were there for me. I leaned on you whether you really knew it or not. You let me be strong for you when I couldn't be for myself And now I'm about to cry. Each of you stood behind me during my worst times. The times when I just wasn't me. The times that I pushed you away and hurt you. You brushed it off, not happily but you did. And you came back and were there for me. I honestly am probably the luckiest girl ever. I don't know what I did to deserve friends like you guys but I thank God for each and everyone of you.
Cesca- Honey, we've been through so much and I am so glad to have you back. There is no way i would have rather started this year than by still having you as my best friend, my sister, my soulmate. I'm so glad that we have decided to work on our relationship, I mean really even cars need tune-ups and I really think we went over 50,000 miles. HaHa. Honey, you have been my backbone for like 3 years now. We've grown up together. thank you for being there even when I didnt want you there.
Jackie- Babe you are such a busybody and annoying and jittery (well you were lol). But all of those things are the things I love most about you. Because you are a busybody when it comes to people you care about. And you are extra annoying when you are doing things you love and care about. Which has been helping me overcome me lately. And I love that about you. My dear, you understand me way better than most do and I need that sometimes. To not have to explain is amazing.
Jordan- You hurt my heart. You made me feel like shit for almost as long as I've known you. And the funny part is, is that was exactly what I needed. You are an amazing asset. You let me care again. if you hadn't hurt me i wouldn't have known that I could actually care about someone like I did about you. You let me give of myself, and I guess this sounds like a thank you for treating me like shit (and it kinda is), but it's more of a thank you for being a good friend. On the nights when I was scared and hurting and needing a distraction...you were there. And on the nights when I needed someone to prevent the tunnel vision you were there. So thank you mister.
Jules- My roomie, my love. I love you. You umm defintely made my life at USCB easier and a lot more fun. You say who i was and you were there to help me. I don't know whatelse to say other than thank you so much. So much fun in one person...'07-'08 was an amazing year. You saw me at my worst and still loved me.
Kai- You're beautiful. And you are an amazing friend. You are the stable one. thank you for letting me lean on you. I owe you so much, for the memories and for making life that much easier for me.
Sarah- Poop! I love you dearest. Those nights when it was all I could do to keep from crying you were there. Thanks for the drives.
Sean- You fool! lol Thanks for helping me open up I dont think I would have been able to write this if I had never met you.
Tiffany- Being there and talking me down when I was doing dumb stuff was crucial and I love you for it. And understanding that our lives are busy is a blessing and i love you everyday for it.
Whitney- I have hated you and loved you more than anyone on this list and its all been because I trusted you so much. I love you. You're one of my best friends ever. You've changed me and my life and the way I live. I love you. We've been through so much and I wouldn't have rather gone through it with anyone else. i dont know what to say to you other than I love you so much! Probably more than anyone can evern articulate.
Thank you all. I dont know how many times or way I can say this. I love each and every one of you.
This is as much as I can write without breaking down and crying.
I'm not sure how to start this...letter. It's supposed to be a heartfelt letter to the people who have helped me grow in the last few years. The friends, the friends who stayed friends, the friends who became enemies, the enemies who became friends, and the other people who made these last few years crucial to me. Umm...so I guess this is where I start.
To my Loves:
I'd like to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for the emotional ups and downs. Thank you for the betrayals. Thank you for being there. thank you for the lessons you have taught me when I didn't really want to learn them.
In the last I'd say 3 years, I've managed to find the best friends of my life. And i don't know if calling them "friends" does them justice. Most of the time I consider them family. But my heart, my heart considers them my guardian angels. So, this is really hard for me to write, mainly because it involves expressing real emotions other than anger. And, I'd like to say thanks to those who stick through with me when the only emotion I can show is anger, displaced anger, but anger none-the-less. But I guess I can't avoid the emotion anymore. lol...haha
To Francesca, Jackie, Jordan, Jules, Kai, Sarah, Sean, Tiffany, and Whitney:
You were there for me. I leaned on you whether you really knew it or not. You let me be strong for you when I couldn't be for myself And now I'm about to cry. Each of you stood behind me during my worst times. The times when I just wasn't me. The times that I pushed you away and hurt you. You brushed it off, not happily but you did. And you came back and were there for me. I honestly am probably the luckiest girl ever. I don't know what I did to deserve friends like you guys but I thank God for each and everyone of you.
Cesca- Honey, we've been through so much and I am so glad to have you back. There is no way i would have rather started this year than by still having you as my best friend, my sister, my soulmate. I'm so glad that we have decided to work on our relationship, I mean really even cars need tune-ups and I really think we went over 50,000 miles. HaHa. Honey, you have been my backbone for like 3 years now. We've grown up together. thank you for being there even when I didnt want you there.
Jackie- Babe you are such a busybody and annoying and jittery (well you were lol). But all of those things are the things I love most about you. Because you are a busybody when it comes to people you care about. And you are extra annoying when you are doing things you love and care about. Which has been helping me overcome me lately. And I love that about you. My dear, you understand me way better than most do and I need that sometimes. To not have to explain is amazing.
Jordan- You hurt my heart. You made me feel like shit for almost as long as I've known you. And the funny part is, is that was exactly what I needed. You are an amazing asset. You let me care again. if you hadn't hurt me i wouldn't have known that I could actually care about someone like I did about you. You let me give of myself, and I guess this sounds like a thank you for treating me like shit (and it kinda is), but it's more of a thank you for being a good friend. On the nights when I was scared and hurting and needing a distraction...you were there. And on the nights when I needed someone to prevent the tunnel vision you were there. So thank you mister.
Jules- My roomie, my love. I love you. You umm defintely made my life at USCB easier and a lot more fun. You say who i was and you were there to help me. I don't know whatelse to say other than thank you so much. So much fun in one person...'07-'08 was an amazing year. You saw me at my worst and still loved me.
Kai- You're beautiful. And you are an amazing friend. You are the stable one. thank you for letting me lean on you. I owe you so much, for the memories and for making life that much easier for me.
Sarah- Poop! I love you dearest. Those nights when it was all I could do to keep from crying you were there. Thanks for the drives.
Sean- You fool! lol Thanks for helping me open up I dont think I would have been able to write this if I had never met you.
Tiffany- Being there and talking me down when I was doing dumb stuff was crucial and I love you for it. And understanding that our lives are busy is a blessing and i love you everyday for it.
Whitney- I have hated you and loved you more than anyone on this list and its all been because I trusted you so much. I love you. You're one of my best friends ever. You've changed me and my life and the way I live. I love you. We've been through so much and I wouldn't have rather gone through it with anyone else. i dont know what to say to you other than I love you so much! Probably more than anyone can evern articulate.
Thank you all. I dont know how many times or way I can say this. I love each and every one of you.
This is as much as I can write without breaking down and crying.
Monday, January 5, 2009
so here i am for all of you to see
Hi.
I'm Mikki. And well, let's see i have had to do this in a very long time. And by this I mean describe myself. I'm a lover and a fighter. I fight for what I love and i occasionally just fight. But I love harder. I honestly love almost every single person I come in contact with.
and i'm far too sleepy to finish this right now
I'm Mikki. And well, let's see i have had to do this in a very long time. And by this I mean describe myself. I'm a lover and a fighter. I fight for what I love and i occasionally just fight. But I love harder. I honestly love almost every single person I come in contact with.
and i'm far too sleepy to finish this right now
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